It's THAT time of year!

Anniversaries can be bittersweet. Today's December 29th....a year ago yesterday Theresa and I met at the IKEA outside of DC. We shopped, ate, played with our kids, and had a great day. Theresa was having a hard time catching her breath, and so far her doctor had been unable to figure out why. She was upset at being sick over the holidays, but determined to have fun, anyway. We went our separate ways that night, figuring we'd see each other in a few weeks (we live 2+ hours apart).

The next day, December 29th, I was cleaning and reorganizing the girls' room - and was knee-deep in assorted crap when the phone rang. It was Theresa, calling from the hospital. Her doctor had done a chest x-ray and sent her immediately to the ER. She was calling now because the doctors were scaring her. They were being very, very attentive. They were also pulling bloody fluid from her lung. None of this sounded good to me. I tried, and failed, to find someone to watch my kids so I piled them in the car and headed to Frederick. They had admitted her to the hospital, but were still running all kinds of tests. Something was going on, but they weren't telling us yet.

I returned to the hospital the next day, December 30th. Theresa was holding on to the hope that the doctors would soon tell her everything was fine, and kick her out. This had happened to me the previous year, after 12 hours of terrified hell. I had looked up "bloody lung fluid" online, and was now terrified. I now knew it couldn't be "nothing" - and was holding onto the hope that she had Lupus or TB - although the odds were slim.

She didn't. I was there when the doctor entered the room and began to tell us she had invasive breast cancer that had already spread to her lungs and spine. We sat there, weeping and terrified, trying to figure out what this really meant. We got on our cell phones, Theresa calling multiple friends and family, gathering everyone to her. I called my husband, who was busy with a new job he'd started the week before. I used the three word code that is always guaranteed to get action, "I need you". Everyone close to me knows that using this code will cause me to drop anything and everything and rally to the need at hand. My husband knew, although he had never heard me utter the words before, that he now had to do the same. He arrived three hours later.

The next couple of days are fuzzy. The only thing I really remember is going to Borders with Theresa, looking for books about dealing with breast cancer. The clerk advised us to look in the "Death and Dying" section - and I went postal. We eventually found the books in the "Health" section - where they belong! Betcha that clerk will NEVER make that mistake again! (can you say, "Crazy lady in the non-fiction section"????)

It's a year later. Theresa's in remission. She's left a bad marriage and is trying to figure out what she wants to do with her life. Yesterday Theresa and I met at a Costco between DC and Baltimore. We shopped, laughed and ate, and eventually traded daughters. She's coming to my house later today and spending the night. I'm glad she's spending her cancerversary with me. I hope she spends many, many more here, too.

Here's to the future!

Merry Un-Christmas!

Christmas is over
The goose is dead and et.
The old man has no ha-penny
The old man has more debt!

Ah, Christmas is over. Well, except for the trashed house and the distinct feeling that I've eaten waaay too many cookies. Curses on me for finally finding the stove!

It was a good Christmas, low-key and comforting. The kids finally passed out on Christmas eve after we watched "The Santa Clause" movie and tracked Santa's flight with Norad. They woke up at TWO AM, convinced it was Christmas. They were finally convinced to sleep a while longer, and managed to stay abed until the grand old hour of six am. (Theresa's kids had to be dragged from bed at 10:30am).

Everybody has their own way of handling Christmas morning. Me...I go the MEAN route. I've never liked the frenzied "gimme" approach to Christmas morning, with everyone tearing into gifts like speed demons. We start with coffee (naturally)and stockings - then the kids play with the stocking tidbits for awhile. They take turns each opening a present, and then they play with the present before moving on. The kids don't get done until afternoon. This year the kids gave gifts to the grown-ups, and were anxiously awaiting the time for "their" gifts to be opened. It was fun.

Merry Un-Christmas, and Peace on Earth, my friends!

Oh Christmas Tree

Oh Christmas tree....how furry are your branches!
They dip and bounce with wild delight
The kittens playing out of sight.

Yup, we have a special tree this year, courtesy of the fuzzy wild ones. The kittens are thrilled with "their" tree - and the children spend the day re-hanging ornaments that are batted down. All the breakable ornaments stayed packed this year, and the tree is decorated with an odd assortment of cutesy and hand-made ornaments we've collected over the years. None of it my taste, actually - but I inherited them from my mom -and my kids love them. {{{sigh}}}

This is "dance hell" week at our house. The girls take both ballet and jazz, and this year the dance school decided to do a Christmas fundraiser program. They decided to put it on at the school to save money, but can only seat a limited audience, so they're doing it THREE nights - Wednesday, Thursday AND Friday. So my girls have three very long nights, plus normal classes last night and classes and dress rehearsal tonight. It's going to be a very, very long week.

Great. The kittens are wrestling....at the top of the Christmas tree. Oiy vey.

Dreams among the ashes

"Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall not be disappointed."

I have no idea who said that - but he had a good point. We, in fact, did NOT get high speed internet. They couldn't find the radio signal. They've promised we will eventually get it, but no clue as to when. And, to really make matters worse, my computer's acting up and things are 10 times SLOWER than normal. And normal is pretty darn slow!

Let's see if I can find the positive....well, at least I HAVE a working computer now - it was out of order the last couple days. At least I didn't cancel the dial-up service prematurely. And at least I ........um......nope. I've got nothing. Except time to go make coffee and toast while each page loads. I'm going to weigh 400 pounds before high-speed gets here!

On the sidewalks of New York

Yesterday we trekked to New York City. The children had never been there, John has been there twice, and I.....well I lived there for six years while I was attending graduate school. Yesterday we had tickets to Radio City Music Hall -so traveled a total of 11 hours to spend 9 hours in The Big Apple.

It was good to be back. Many things had changed - I had a hard time finding non-tourist places to eat. I did drag everyone to Hell's Kitchen to my favorite Chinese restaurant, Westside Cottage II. My girlfriend and I used to eat there frequently when we lived in Times Square. The food was delicious - and cheap; and back then they served FREE wine with dinner - as much as you wanted - and after they got to know you they gave you x-rated fortune cookies. No wine this time, but the food was excellent and they still offer the x-rated fortune cookies! John was delighted with his. Even the children said the chicken lo mein was yummy - and a woman behind the counter said she remembered me!

I did find a few small things had changed in the city, besides the local eateries. I lived there before 9-11, before cell phones, before Starbucks, and before the internet! Let's face it, people - I'm OLD! The flavor and feel of the city was unchanged, though.

I dragged my poor family for miles yesterday - literally. Gabe, my five year old, never complained once, just kept walking. Everyone was awesome. It was a good day.

Today's good, too. I got a letter from my mom -and then I called her. We're ok now, I think. And...I'm waiting for someone to come install high-speed internet!!! Wahoo!

Happy Tuesday!

Small problems

I have a whole new respect for day-care providers and pre-K teachers. How do they do that everyday without large quantities of drugs and/or alcohol???

We had our homeschool co-op yesterday. This semester I'm teaching two classes, Math Games for 1st-4th graders, and a play/learn class for 3-5 year olds. Unfortunately, yesterday I also had to help out with another pre-school class. The woman teaching was running a tad late, so I was surrounded by 6 or 7 pint-sized people. One boy ran up to me, said something unintelligible, then pulled back his foot and kicked me in the shin. As my mouth dropped to the floor and I struggled for control (I figured it wasn't acceptable to kill someone else's kid) he pulled back his foot and kicked me again!!!! At this I grabbed him by the shoulders and hauled him into the nearest chair - then knelt down and informed him, in my best threatening voice, that he WILL NOT kick. At this point I realized he had been demonstrating his version of karate to me, because he was quick to inform me that karate people did indeed kick. So I quickly changed my threat to, "You will NOT kick HERE!"

While I was still recuperating from this, another boy ran to the bathroom. Usually not a problem, but this 5 year old apparently is not "wiping" yet - so I was called. With my eyes watering and valiantly trying not to retch, I did the odious deed (odiferous deed?) and considered telling his mother she needed to reconsider her menu selection. Then I got to spend another hour telling children to stop putting toys in their mouths, breaking up fights, calming screaming fits, and dealing with my own whining children (who were apparently in the first stage of illness - they're now camped out on the couch, complaining.) After my last class I sought out a girlfriend and honestly informed her that if my husband were not already "altered" I would be attempting it as soon as I returned home. I think I'll stick to the older kids for a while. At least they're self-wiping.

On a more positive note - this coming Tuesday we should rejoin the 21st century - and get high-speed internet! We're so excited! We've been relegated to dial-up ever since we moved to the country -nothing else is available here. Now there's a wi-fi service that just expanded into the area! Even cell phone coverage is spotty here - it seems to depend on cloud coverage. Sometimes I get no cell signal at all, and other times I get just enough to irritate people because the conversation keeps fading out. Made it quite difficult Thanksgiving week - because Verizon had a problem and we had no phone or internet for over a WEEK! Talk about quiet! That company needs some serious competition. When they finally made it out, it was a 5 minute fix down the street. Gotta love it!

Still not running - but I am baking. Ginger-spice cookies, anyone? Tis the season to expand!

December delights

Ah...cool breezes, a warm fire, hot coffee, fresh biscotti, meat-loaf and chocolate. Children flitting between learning about Greece, Charles V, multiplication and blackjack. The five year old gleefully announcing he's going "commando" today. I think I'm ready for winter. I'd even like to be snowed in for a while - although that's doubtful around here.

I did have to leave my comfortable countryside and head into civilization over the weekend. The homeschool store was having a sale - only 1 1/2 hours away! Passed by several malls on the way home - all with overflowing parking lots. Even the thought of taking the children inside had me hyperventilating. I was sooo glad to get back to the shore - and away from the crowds. Hard to believe I lived in NYC for six years. Actually, I'll be back there next week for a day. I plan on eating my way across town!

My heart's still acting up - mostly whenever I think about my mom. Apparently I'm internalizing a LOT more stress than I let on. Can anyone suggest a meditation book or dvd? If I lose myself in a book my heart rhythm returns to normal - but as soon as my brain clicks on my heart starts doing the cha-cha. I need to find something more long lasting. Lobotomy???

I need to run. Why aren't I? Let's see....1)there's a puzzle in progress on the treadmill 2)I'm nervous about exercising with the funky heart and 3)I keep procrastinating. I'm a really, really great procrastinator. The funny thing is, once I start actually DOING whatever I've been avoiding, it's NEVER as bad as I think it's going to be. I'm still my own worst enemy. {{{sigh}}} So much room for self-improvement - so little time and willpower.

Perhaps I need more chocolate???

Paxton, still un-running

Rising from the ashes...

It has been an incredibly stressful month for me - so much so that my heart rhythm has been annoyingly erratic. I've fallen short of personal goals, had to bury pride and admit failure, my job funding is in jeopardy, my husband is stressed and working 80+ hours a week, my best friend STILL has stage IV cancer, and my mother disowned me - and my children - because I want to change my name to Paxton. Bad month.

And yet, as I look around me this morning, my overwhelming emotion is one of gratitude. There is so much good in my life - sometimes I just need to step back and really acknowledge it. First and foremost is my family: I'm married to my best friend - who for some bizarre reason believes I'm wonderful. We have three incredible children - and are able to homeschool them. I love watching them explore and learn. And cuddles. Cuddles are great. I also love to see all three of them (even the five year old) curled up with a book. We have a housefull of furry critters, wrapping themselves around our legs and our hearts. We have a home that, while still needing renovation (1900's house), manages to nourish our souls. I'm finally managing to keep on top of housework and food - so I feel more at peace. I have good friends - some who have been around for decades, others that will be. I have an outlet for my writing. I have people actually READING my ponderings - and telling me they enjoy them! I can't begin to explain how much joy that brings me.

Life is good. Not perfect, but that's good, too.

I even have a sport! Me - the non-athletic Un-Runner! I think it's time to start off with babysteps on that avenue, as well. I was pushing myself so hard, before. And at 5 miles I get incredible hip pain. After I did the 12.8 miles I couldn't move for two days. I think I need to get back to basics and concentrate on quality, not quantity. My run/walk ratio has decreased to mostly walking, so that I can cover the distance. It's time to concentrate on health and fitness rather than distance. It's time to start applying babysteps to other areas of my life.

It's time.

Paxton, The Un-Runner

Calling all imperfect people!

Yay! Some people are still out there! Thank you!

Last month I mentioned getting inundated with kittens - we actually kept TWO of them, a male and a female. The third kitten was taken directly to the animal shelter -and I was terrified for a week that more would appear. We've named the kittens Hobbs and Molly - and they're quite cute. More importantly - the children are taking care of them! The girls empty the litter box TWICE a day - one girl gets the morning, the other the evening. I ended up making chore charts for the children AND for me (because I'm brain-damaged, apparently, and stand in the middle of the room going, "What should I do now?"). They've really helped us all.

If anyone identifies with my brain-damaged approach to organization, I highly recommend www.flylady.net. She's the one who taught me the importance of babysteps. I must add, I've been learning from her for several (or more) years now - and it's just now starting to sink in. (brain-damaged AND stubborn - don't you envy me?) Actually I tend to jump off the deep end and think I can do things differently, better, by NOT following anyone else's advice. Then I get overwhelmed, then paralyzed by the thought of failing, or wiped out because of super-human effort, and end up right back where I started. I'm slooowly learning that it's better to do something, imperfectly - than to be frozen until I can do it "perfectly".

The need to be "perfect" - or at least to appear perfect - has kept me from really growing and living the life I want. I need to spend less time trying to be perfect - and more time trying to be me!

And having a cute purring kitten on your lap doesn't hurt!

Paxton

The Elusive Un-Runner

So....is anybody still out there? I know I abandoned you for awhile - I'm sorry. I was having growing pains.

This blog has been about setting goals, and reaching them. About succeeding. I didn't feel worthy of posting when I wasn't successful. I'm learning to accept that part of being successful is your reaction to failure. So I'll share my recent milestones with you...

Pro: In July I could barely run/walk to the mailbox, today I've gone 12.8 miles!
Con: I had planned to go 26 miles.

Pro: I raised $1600 for The Wellness Community! Wow!
Con: I was supposed to raise $2500, and planned on $5000. Fundraising was a LOT harder than I thought. Mostly because I HATE asking people for money!

Pro: I met some great people, and had fun doing something I never thought I'd do!
Con: I'm not going to Jamaica to participate in the marathon. They offered to let me go - but this way all the money I raised goes to The Wellness Community, not my trip. I realize it was the journey that I needed - the actual event I don't mind missing.

Pro: I actually enjoy running - how weird is that?

Pro: I love writing, and having people read my ponderings.

Yes, I missed my goals - but I'm still so much better off than where I started. And so is The Wellness Community, thanks to my NOT going to Jamaica. I'm learning to take babysteps to reach my goals, and to NOT strive for perfection. It's working well at home - it's time for me to start applying that to my goals, as well. I'm NOT perfect - and I'm learning to live with it!

Let me know if you're still out there!

Paxton, The Un-Runner

Raining cats and ....

I heard MORE feline screaming last night, and discovered a litter mate to our new kitten down and across the street hiding in the undercarriage of a neighbor's car. She's a lovely calico, and quite happy to see her brother again. More fleas, more ecstatic children, more decisions. Three cats seems quite....excessive. And expensive. And hairy. And....odiferous.

And....there could be MORE!

Shoot me.

Something Fuzzy this way comes...

The fates are laughing at me. Laughing their butts off, actually. I was the kid who brought every animal home with me - dogs, cats, snakes, turtles - you get the idea. I loved animals. Then I grew up and moved out and discovered animals shed hair - everywhere. Hair that would turn into huge dustballs that threatened to take over the domicile. They also.....how to put this nicely....excreted. And something had to be done with this by-product - or the results were....unpleasant. I've never liked animals as much once I realized how much work was involved.

We still have animals, mind you....I just try to limit it...somewhat! We have two small dogs (a rat terrier and a shitz tzu - the small dogs seem to work better for us)and one cat (very important - since we also live in old farm house that attracts mice). The one cat is an adequate mouser, friendly, and very good about using the litter box or going outside. (very important - since when my step-son and his cats lived with us we were NOT so fortunate. Ugh!) The children have been begging for a kitten for over a year. Every time we see one - they want it. Tears, begging, the whole works. Hasn't worked - no matter how cute the critter may be. (John and I have never forgiven ourselves for letting tears talk us into the FORTH cat for said step-son: it was the cat that pushed us over the edge from "manageable" to "cat hell".) We were resolute.....one cat was our limit. Period.

Now we arrive at yesterday morning - a normal morning, by all standards. The usual clutter, chaos and overwhelming "to-do" list. Then we hear "the noise". Thinking the cat is crying to get in, I open the back door and call her, only to find her at my feet - NOT the source of the noise. I shut her in and wander outside - in my pajamas - to find the source. I instantly recognize the noise as "pissed off kitten". Great. It's not too hard to locate, as it's wedged between our house and the non-functioning hottub. We've had kittens in the neighborhood before - small feral things that were terrified of us and raced away the instant they sighted us. I wedged my body into the small space, expecting the kitten to take off and disappear. Nope. It was crying pitifully, and when I picked it up, it nuzzled against me. Great, just great. As I straightened and turned towards the door, daughter #2 spied said kitten - her face broke into a joyous smile, and she ran off to spread the news. I was suddenly surrounded by at least 20 ecstatic children - well, three children who seemed to be multiplying.

The first question, of course, is "Are we keeping it???" I refused to commit myself - but it does seem inevitable when it shows up at your door. My first terror was finding an entire litter - but we were unable to find any more. The tiny thing was no more than 5 or 6 weeks old - but was able to feed himself and use a litter box. Oh yeah - it was MALE. I've had one hard and fast rule since the first time I visited my now husband's apartment -which reeked of cat urine from his male cat - NO MALE ANIMALS!!!!! Yup, it was getting better and better. And, the icing on the cat, the tiny thing was COVERED in fleas (and is too young for chemical treatment). I spent hours bathing the kitten (not too happy, but dealt with it without hurting me) and combing him with the flea comb. I still itch.

His name is now Hobbs, after our village. The children are thrilled, the dogs are curious, and the cat is terrified. She sees the wee one and bolts away and hides. How weird. At least she's not trying to kill it, I suppose. As for us....we're resigned. If it wasn't the kitten, it would be something else. As Robert Fulgham says, "it's always something". (ok, he says it better than that!)

Running, you ask? Yeah, right. Let's just say...I'm Un-running!

Bad Parenting Award #437

I have recently come to accept that I'm a grief monger. Unfortunately, I don't even do that right. The correct way is to use guilt to get your children, your husband, and anyone else in your path to do what YOU want them to do. I missed the memo where guilt was to be used to help me, and instead use it to beat myself about the head for things I SHOULD do. Or should have done. And when I forget to take the blame for something - other folks are always there to point out my shortcomings!

Case in point...I took my eldest daughter (8.75 years old)for an eye exam yesterday. I made the appointment last week, after realizing she was having difficulty reading a word across the room without moving closer. I was pretty sure she needed glasses, and spent the week convincing her it could be "cool". We even went and looked at frames so she could get an idea of what she liked. I knew I was right on when she faced her first wall chart - and couldn't read anything! Turns out her vision is 20/100. A bit worse than I was expecting. The doctor (whom I like and respect) seemed to think this was a tad negligent of me - and urged me to get the younger children tested. Actually, Jesse was just screened at the doctor's last month - and passed with 20/40 vision. The optometrist disagreed with the "pass" and feels that she needs glasses now, too. I'm not sure, especially as we homeschool and she doesn't depend on distance vision for learning.

Have you ever noticed that, as parents, we seem to be continually falling short of other peoples standards??? Even the vision tech yesterday gave me the "unbelieving stare" when I told her that it was Kathryn's choice whether to accept the eye drop dilation. That she was welcome to explain to Kathryn why it was important - but Kathryn was allowed the final choice. She chose to get the eyedrops. And later, she picked out frames she loved - even though they weren't my first choice. (I still think she was stunning in the dark purple plastic frames...ah well.)

It's funny how people differ in their interpretation of our parenting. Some think we're way too strict - because we don't have network or cable television, we don't buy the latest, greatest toys - and most of the stuff we do buy has an educational bent. Others think we let them run wild because they get to make some of their own educational choices (with the exception of grammar and math), they're never forced to sit quietly and pretend they're invisible (although that would be handy, sometimes) and they're always allowed to voice a differing opinion. They don't always - or usually - win - but they're always heard. I'm learning - as they grow and explore their world - more of what I want to be when I finally grow up. :)

Oh yeah, running! Yup, I'll have time today to do some of that! Tune in later!

My achey breaky.......everything!

Why do we push our bodies past the point of pain? Voluntarily!!!! I just don't get it. Case in point: I pushed this body almost 10 miles last Saturday - on purpose! I jogged/walked (heavy emphasis on the walked) the looong way into town, around town then back home. I did stop to visit the library's book sale while in town - I'm sure I was lovely - then stashed the books on a friend's porch for later retrieval. Why can't there be a reading marathon??? That I could do at full speed, without needing a chiropractor.

I've discovered my body can go 5-7 miles and maintain that positive, athletic "high". Whereas 3 months ago that "high" disappeared after 5-7 steps. But I've gone beyond 7 miles 3 times now - and every time is painful. Two 8 milers and the 9+... and the pain always starts in my hips then travels down my legs. What is this??? I'm wearing good shoes (i.e. expensive, ugly and fit by a professional). I'm now using the energy gels - which really help. I've slowed down the pace so much I may as well be crawling - and my body still gives out after 7 miles. I even sat in a cold bath (after stretching) because someone told me that would help! Brrrrr!!!

I know I need to do more short runs during the week - I've been having difficulties fitting them in. Yesterday I managed a 20 minute jaunt with my daughter - barely got my heart rate up.

I need to find a way to increase my mileage without pain - or I'm going to have to cut down to completing only a half marathon. I can probably drag myself the 13 miles - but not another 13. I have a few more weeks to decide - so I need answers fast!

On the positive side - after my run we went to Salisbury and walked around the mall (hey - I needed the exercise). My husband talked me into trying the water massage table there. For five minutes water beat down on my back, legs, and the soles of my feet. The first few passes were painful - John was going to turn the water pressure down, but I wouldn't let him. By the time I was done, however, I felt great! I was loose and pain-free - at least until I sat for an hour to eat dinner. By then I could barely move - again.

On the non-running front - or my real life - I seem to be losing neurons at an alarming rate. I've been drinking extra coffee, trying to get the brain and body working again - to no avail. I'm forgetting to do things, even after making a list. I'm forgetting HOW to do things. Can't find anything - even if I just sat it down. Decided yesterday that a hot cup of tea might help - and a hot bath! I put the water on to boil then sat down to work on the computer - and remembered the water an hour later. Poured the water into the tea, started running the tub, and remembered the tea an hour later. It was a tad too strong for my taste by then. Put some pita bread in the AGA to toast while I was re-heating the chili for lunch - and remembered it around dinner time. Can you say, "charcoal triangles"???? The AGA vents outside, so you never smell anything burning.

Had my husband in stitches when I confessed my day's activities. He's always said he's going to marry a stupid woman next time - so he was pretty tickled about my brain's demise. Not sure he was so thrilled this morning - when he was not only without clean socks in his sock drawer - but I was unable to find a matching pair of socks anywhere. I'm telling you - stupid isn't what it's cracked up to being!

Oh well....at least I haven't lost any children....YET!!!

Hope my happenings make you smile - or at least be grateful for YOUR life! Now I just have to remember to actually POST this message.......

A change of scenery...

Sorry for the lapse folks....I had an incredibly busy AND productive week - then collapsed Friday afternoon - and didn't feel better until Sunday. I did manage a run yesterday, though - on my own. I ran into our nearest town, visited a friend briefly, than pretty much walked home. I think it was around 8 miles - I'll have to check with the car. It was a LOT more fun heading into town - and having a water stop. It was also MUCH better on my own - at my own pace. I felt like I was accomplishing something - and wasn't worried about my speed or keeping up with a group. I wonder if I'm better off on my own, rather than driving an hour each way to do the group runs???

I was planning on participating in my first 5K race on Saturday - but since I couldn't stand upright - I figured running was out. I'll have to find another one - but that shouldn't be difficult - it seems to be race season!

Now I'm back into the craziness of the week - and working hard at being productive. Ok, to be fair - at this point I'm still planning on being productive - the work hasn't actually started yet!

Did I mention how nice it was run/walking in the cool weather yesterday, enjoying the breeze and the scenery, without stressing myself out to do better? How delightful. I wonder if this is why people run?

Baby steps....again.

I'm working on getting back in shape...slowly. I managed a half hour run yesterday - though it was broken up by the power flickering off. I'm drinking more water, and eating healthier foods.

Of course, my five year old has a fever today - which means I've spent the last 4 hours holding him - so my run (and diet) for today could be in jeopardy! I spent the time reading up on nutrition and diet - I need encouragement to eat well! And...as long as I leave the spinach out for a while - all should be good!

Baby steps....I can do this! (albeit SLOWER than most people!!!)

Some days you tear up the road.....

And some days the road tears up YOU! Guess who's ahead in THIS race???

Had my group run yesterday. A mere 8 miles - I was much relieved. There were even 3 other gals there who do the run/walk routine - perfect!

Or not. First of all - they run for 5, walk for three. And it's a faster pace run than I do when I'm going for distance. I maintained about 3 miles - then bailed at the drink stop and waited for the walking group.

They left me in the dirt, too.

The further I went, the more body parts that hurt, and the slower I went. I was tempted to call for a pick-up but told myself I'd feel better if I actually accomplished my goal, rather than giving up. I finished the 8 miles - but felt no joy in mudville. In retrospect, I wish I'd called for a pickup. At least my hips wouldn't hurt so much. Turns out I couldn't have called - my cell phone died. Totally died - not just out of battery. So...yet another thing on the "to-do" list for tomorrow.

And THEN I had to drag my body through 4 different stores, doing the weekly shopping for my family. And it kept raining. I finally got home, soaked in a hot bath, then collapsed into a chair.

I feel....inept. I figure I had a hard run because I've had such a hard two weeks. Not enough exercise, water or decent food - but too much stress and running around. But it still makes me doubt if I can do 26 miles. EVERYONE else is only doing 13 - and they're doing it better than me. I just don't know.

Just found out my friend with cancer is NOT going to do the marathon. She's worried about fund-raising. I understand...but I was looking forward to seeing Jamaica with her. My husband can't go - because of the kids. So...I'll be alone. :(

At anyrate...at the moment I'm doubting my ability to fundraise, run 26 miles, train, work, and keep up with the house and kids. The only thing I'm NOT doubting...is my ability to mess up. How comforting.

Well, as the song goes, "Some days you're the windshield, some days you're the bug."

Hang in there,
The Bug

A new week...

Let's see....life lessons: ummm....don't overcommit.....learn to juggle....drink LOTS of water....schedule regular time for exercise....eat healthy food! Pretty much the opposite of EVERYTHING I did last week.

I survived the week. I got everything done I HAD to get done (and NOTHING else). Including more running. I couldn't go to the group run on Saturday - had to give a six hour training class and then go to a pig roast in support of my girlfriend's marathon. Yesterday (Sunday) I crashed. Literally. Could barely lift my arms - let along my feet to run. I feel better today - although a whole new "to-do" list has started. Oiy.

I have to say, I was also intimidated by the goal of 12-14 miles - since my longest is 7 miles. I think I'll take your advice - and just shoot for 8-9 miles. Safe is more important than distance!

If you're new, please check out my cancer webpage at www.firstgiving.com/neversettle
And thank you for your support!

Uh-oh.

I've been on the run this entire day - but no actual running occurred. {{{sigh}}} Kids are finally in (or near) bed - and I'm working on materials for tomorrow's classes (teaching two classes to homeschoolers). Tried to buy some fudge for my kids at Baltimore's Inner Harbor - and the pushy saleswoman tried to guilt and manipulate me into buying more. Excuse me? And I didn't walk away - because my kids really wanted this fudge by now! But how dare someone encourage my kids to demand more???? Worse part - I was too tired to let her have it. I quietly told her she was about to lose any sale, and she eventually shut up - but I would have dearly loved to make a scene. {{{sigh}}}

And...just received an email from the Wellness Community. I was so happy about running 7 miles last Saturday - and planned to run 8-9 this week (can't make group run - have to work). Just found out they're planning on running 12 - 14 miles!!! I think they did 6 last time! I'm really apprehensive. First - I'll be alone. And second....from 7 to 12 miles???? That's really a jump. I just don't know.

Well, I survived taking 3 kids to the Inner Harbor alone - how bad can 12 miles be??? At least it will be child-free! I won't have time to do this until Sunday - so I can worry about for another 3 days!

Wow, I really shouldn't write when I'm this tired! Sorry, folks! I'll have better sentence structure next time!

Running lite

Too busy, stressed out and crazy for a real run (anyone wanna buy 3 cute kids - cheap!!!) But I had to de-stress before leaving for work - so took a 15 minute "mini-run". Decided that since I couldn't run long - I'd run fast! After a 5 minute warm-up I ran for 10 straight minutes!!! My longest is 2 minutes - usually 4 mph. This one varied from 4-6 mph - and I used 4mph as my recover pace! No walking!!!!

Tomorrow I'll try this again for 10 minutes - then walk for 3 and try running for another 10!

I'll get there! (and my children may fare better because of it!)

And the rains came tumbling down...

Wind....rain....flying tree limbs....driving rain.....wind making a 106 year old house whistle. Yup...that would be Ernesto!

I opted out the group run yesterday - couldn't face driving in the rain OR running in it! However....I went SEVEN MILES on the treadmill!!!!! Wahoo!!!! The first 2.5 miles were a struggle - than I hit my stride. It took a long time - but I got there and felt great!!! My left knee is a tad sore - why is it always the left side that hurts? Foot issue?

After the first few miles I settled into a 1 minute jog: 1 minute walk pattern. The two minutes running get to me after a while - but I can maintain the 1:1 ratio. I think I'll work on speed and increased ratios during the week - and then see what happens for the long run.

Seven miles.....WOW!!!! That's.......forever. (or almost!)

Hectic days are here again...

Nothing exciting on the running front....except I need to do more of it! Thirty minutes on the treadmill has been my best this week. Yeesh.

Hectic day: taking the kids to a butterfly garden about 2 hours away (homeschool field trip) and tonight I have an interview with a cable show yet another hour away - but in the opposite direction! I'll be talking about the marathon, The Wellness Center, and why I'm running. I have doubts that anyone will actually see the interview - I think it will air in about 10 days - but at least I'll be getting out there and talking!

We're getting back into the fall swing...homeschool...dance...co-op.... library....work....fundraising.....I need a vacation!

Owies and Questions

Can you say, "OUCH!"? Let's see...yesterday I did some cross-training - biking. No big deal - except they just tarred and chipped our road - and biking on it is sort of like biking through....sand?...mud?.....quicksand??? At any rate - it's nasty! I could have walked faster than I was peddling! Only went 4 miles, and my legs were burning when I returned home. So much so that I misjudged my dismount and hit the concrete slab going into our garage. I was thrown forward, cracked my pubic bone on the bike (again with the OUCH) then fell off the bike into the mosquito magnet with the bike and my legs in a tangled heap. Yeesh.

This morning I arose at 5am to run. Dressed and prepared to leave - realized it was raining. Decided "real runners" don't let a little rain stop them, and went anyway! Yeah!

Did I mention it was dark? Really, really dark? Think dark country road, middle of nowhere, with a nasty re-chipped road (and no shoulders!). The cars were freaking me out - so I was hugging the edge of the road when one approached - sometimes stepping into the weeds. Since I couldn't see where I was going, I ended up wrenching my knee by stepping in a hole or a rut or something. I hobbled home and applied ice - it doesn't feel too bad at the moment.

The question is...I know people run in the dark. How??? What do I need? I didn't feel safe - and obviously wasn't. By the time it's light my husband is getting ready to leave the house and I have no time for a run.

By the way...I really, really hate the new road surface.

Happy Monday, everyone! If you're new, please check my cancer page at www.firstgiving.com/neversettle

Thank you!

Wait for it....

I walked/jogged 5.75 miles today! Wahoo!!! This was our group run - but I was the only non-walker. Worked out great, because our trainer, Harlan Eagle, just ran with me! I started w/ walk/jog ratios of 1:3, and ended up with 2.5:2.5. (that means I jogged 2.5 minutes, then walked 2.5 minutes. I even sprinted the last bit! (well - I started to sprint, felt great, and then my heart decided I was being a bit stupid and reminded me to take it slow by trying to jump out of my throat!)

We did all of our stretching back at The Wellness Center, then I left to do my crazy Saturday grocery run. Crazy because sane people know better than to shop on Saturday!

I still feel good - though I'm tired. And it's evening - so the kids are acting wild and crazy. The nighttime frenzies just started a week or so ago - and I am SO ready for them to be over!!!

I went 5.75 miles...wow!!!!!!

Happy Days are Here Again!

What a difference a day makes! (to really get the effect - you MUST sing those 2 lines - go back - sing them.....I'll wait.........Thank you! Now we're having an actual chat - and you're being forced to listen to me sing. Ah.)

I'm doing MUCH better now - the marathon cleaning put the house under control - and I have a system for management that seems doable - but time will be the test. I did run that night - with three little kids and two small dogs. Our first family fitness run! (the kids finally got decent sneakers - New Balance) It was....interesting. I had two dogs on leashes in my left hand, and Gabriel hanging on to my right. We did a walk/slow jog/walk/slow walk/stop/slow jog/turn around cause kids are whining/walk kind of thing. It wasn't bad, for a first attempt. I think the dogs got the most exercise. (rat terrier and shitz tzu - needed lots of steps to keep up!)

Yesterday was Gabe's 5th birthday - and our 10th wedding anniversary. (how was THAT for good timing? Our third child was born on our 5th wedding anniversary - at home!) John took off work early and we all went to the zoo to celebrate.

I also managed to run 3 miles on the treadmill. I sloooowed down my jogging pace and am working on less frequent walk breaks. Oiy. I have so far to go. It's a good thing I have the marathon as a goal - I don't think I'd push myself otherwise.

And yet....when I run...I also keep on top of the house....which then allows me the space and organization to homeschool, to work, to create and to dream. The running and the house fell apart simultaneously - I wonder which triggers the other? Or does the mental funk come first - and everything falls apart around that? Hmmm...

Thank you for your support, and thanks for checking out my cancer page at www.firstgiving.com/neversettle.

Shades of blue

I'm having a deep blue funky kind of day. Haven't run yet - hopefully that will help. I've been marathon cleaning all day, trying to re-establish order. It feels as satisfying - and long lasting - as nailing jello to a tree. {{{sigh}}}

I'm working on improving my ability to juggle many different things - without messing up everything. I have no clue how some people do everything so...effortlessly. It seems as if as soon as I focus on one thing - three other things fall apart. I have made anal list after anal list....I just need to pick one and commit to it!

Another reason for the funk...Theresa found out that a young woman she had met and talked with at a cancer support group died -leaving 2 very young children. Yet another casualty of breast cancer. We've read her online journal - which is being kept up by her husband. It's heart breaking. And terrifying.

I've noticed that the less empowered I feel, the more disorganized I become -and more likely to have a "bad cancer day". For you lucky ones that don't know what that entails... it means panic breathing, overwhelming memories of a terrifying diagnosis, and sleepless nights as you fear the future. [For any newbies: I don't have cancer - but my best friend was diagnosed 8 months ago with Stage IV breast cancer - at age 34. She's doing great, although she's considered "incurable"]

I need to run. Far, fast and furious.

On an up note...my husband, John, completed the metric century bike ride in Lancaster, PA on Sunday. 65 miles - and according to John - 62 of them were uphill! Way to go, Sweetie!

And a jogger is born...

I went over 4 miles today! (we got mixed up and went a bit further than the allotted four miles) As I mentioned previously - I'm with the walking group. I walked the first 2 mile loop with them, then started a slow jog. One of the trainers joined me - and I jogged a LOT more than my norm! I still walked occasionally when my heart rate needed controlling, but I didn't walk long! It really was much easier with someone else next to me!

I felt great!
Then.

I noticed some muscle stiffness an hour after the run (and a mysterious sharp groin pain that thankfully hasn't reappeared) but nothing unusual. Finished my errands and arrived home three hours later - and am now moving like Grandma Moses! Nothing overly painful - but I start to jump up out of the chair - and nothing happens! "Oh yeah...slooowly does it!" The funny thing is....the aches make me smile!

No one warned me of these strange feelings. Hurting feels good??? And I must confess: I bought a Trail Runners magazine today and began reading about crazy people who run 50 or 100 miles up mountains. The really strange thing - I began looking for similar trails for me to train on! "Hello, do I know you??? You resemble a sane womyn I once knew!"

I also signed up my girls for dance classes today...they're both in Ballet and Jazz. Gabe tried it last year - but wasn't impressed. (also...can't really follow directions that well yet)We go to this great dance studio in Easton called "Dance Harrison Street". It's my third year there - and I'm continually impressed by the quality of the instruction and the choreography. Kathryn's really into it - and wants to be a ballerina. I'm not sure they have 6 foot ballerina's - but she's certainly graceful enough.

John's loading his truck - he and a buddy are leaving at 3:30 am for a Metric Century Bike Ride in Lancaster, PA. He's really excited - he hasn't done anything like this before. I bought him quite a few gels (and a spare inner tube) this morning. I haven't tried the gels - haven't really run far enough to need them yet. I'll have to start soon though - apparently it's NOT a good idea to save them for race day!

Have a peaceful Sunday!

Oh yeah....in case you were wondering....the septic guys WERE delightful....and quite needed. {{{SMILE}}} I can now wash and flush with the best of them. John's still not convinced, however. (but he did all the laundry while I was running - so I'm going to have to keep him!)

Of ships and sails and septic tanks...

This STINKS! Literally. I'm waiting for the lovely Mr. Rooter and his delightful septic cleaning devices. Actually, I have no clue if Rooter and crew are delightful or not - but I'm anticipating being able to do mountains of laundry, bathe three stinky children, and flush a toilet without praying. My husband, of the engineering/coding mindset, believes that a properly installed septic system should never require maintenance. The rest of the civilized world, it seems, believes otherwise. After yelling at my four year old this morning - for FLUSHING the toilet (usually yelling at him for NOT flushing) I gave up and made the call. Now I'm hoping that Mr. Rooter finds the septic system in desperate need of attention - or they'll be no living with my husband - who still thinks he can fix this. Oiy.

I did my 30 minutes on the treadmill this morning - only interrupted three times. Not too bad! I have my long group run tomorrow - I think it's 4 miles. The more active I become, the less my heart arythmia has been acting up. Too cool!

I also have Summerfest today and tomorrow - Denton's summer festival. I'm helping man the Mid-Shore Adult Education booth. Supposed to help set up - I hope Mr. Rooter arrives soon!

Ugh! My children are eating coffee beans! Isn't that bizarre? I'm a coffee lover/fanatic from waaay back (and usually take it without cream and sugar) - so when they started munching away on the beans as toddlers I eagerly joined in. DISGUSTING! Definitely needs to be chocolate covered! They love them. All three kids. Weirdos.

Please remember to check out my cancer webpage: www.firstgiving.com/neversettle

Thanks!

Pictures!

Hooray! I've finally figured out how to upload a picture! Now to get it moved over to the "About Me" column. Hmmm....

I've been spending 30 minutes on the treadmill each day. I'll do longer runs twice a week. It's difficult to get 30 minutes without one or more children needing an immediate answer to mind-boggling questions such as, "Is it my turn on the computer?, Did you tell Gabe he could jump on the furniture? Can I eat candy until my eyes bug out???"

We attempted to get a picture with the children - as you can tell, 2/3 of the group aren't thrilled with the idea!



From left to right we have Kathryn (8), Jesse (7) and Gabriel (4). He'll be 5 next week. While we were out running around yesterday at least 5 different people informed my children that "School starts next week!" (Did you notice this is always imparted with a gleeful chuckle?) Anyway, I had to keep explaining that we homeschool - which just got confused looks. I'm not sure if they didn't understand the concept, or were shocked that I appeared normal but was, most certainly, insane. One guy talking to them was a math teacher who asked, "Do you have someone teaching you math???" [Duh! Whadda they need math for? They gots 10 fingers and toes to count on!] When he found out we were working on Fibonacci numbers, he suddenly looked interested. Yeesh.

Hmmm...the kids are all wearing swimsuits and sporting gooey white noses (a tad too much suncscreen) I guess that means my computer time is officially up!

Enjoy!

Rucka rucka rucka

I did NOT have a good day today. Cranky children, clogged pipes and more bills. Drove an hour to pick up the dogs from the kennel - and the bill was twice what I was expecting! It seems that I paid dearly for the "convenience" of not taking them to my vet and instead letting the kennel update the shots.

Finally got back home - tired, discouraged and cranky. I was tempted to collapse on the couch with a good book and just be miserable all night. Decided to hit the treadmill instead - and realized it has been a long time since I had a solid, timed run. I only did 2 miles (in 30 minutes) but I feel SO much better! Aaaahhh. Tomorrow I'll go for three!

Did I mention...it's good to be home?

There's No Place Like Home!

Yay! Vacation is over! Yesterday I spent 13 hours traveling with one husband and three children. Nuff said?

We were in the coal-mining mountains of SW Virginia - with the occasional drive to Tennessee. It's a curious area. Absolutely gorgeous hills and mountains - kudzu covering almost everything - tiny, shack like houses or trailers with two satellite dishes (I guess because of all the mountains?) and the most beautiful lawns you've ever seen (all on hills you'd think would require goats for maintenance!). My in-laws live at the top of a mountain in the middle of no-where - and they have city water and sewage, cable tv and access to high-speed internet! I can't get high-speed internet - and we have a well and septic system! What is this??? Yeesh.

I worked on my hillwork a couple of times - the hills were so pretty it was easy! And....my husband ran with me once. He's in training for a 100 mile bike trek - and is up to about 40 miles - so he was feeling fairly competent. Nope! He says running is a totally different animal - he felt so out of shape. I felt GREAT (na-na-na NAH na!) He's quite competitive - so I know he'll eventually leave me in the dust - but I enjoyed the moment!

Spent a LOT of time playing with the kids - soccer and badminton. We really got into the badminton - it was great! I couldn't have done it a month ago - my health and fitness have really improved since I started running! And....I'm still such a beginner! I have so far to go - how fit will I be feeling then??? Wow - it's mind boggling!

Now...on to business. As you know, I'm running this marathon to raise money for The Wellness Center, in support of my best friend who's dealing with stage IV breast cancer at age 35. This morning I realized I had received another donation on my fundraising page from a complete stranger who's also dealing with Stage IV breast cancer. I was trying to thank her (a stock thank you goes out immediately) but realized the webpage protects the email address of supporters, and I have no way of contacting anyone! I don't know how people reach my blog and my donor page - but I'm so grateful for everyone's support -financial and emotional.

Cancer sucks. It's devastating, it's potentially life-threatening and it's everywhere. No one is safe. It does have some redeeming features, however. Cancer makes you re-evaluate your life and your choices - you start deciding how you want to spend your days and your moments - rather than just going with the flow. You find strength in yourself you never knew existed - and can get a taste of just how powerful you are.

Cancer got me to run. My fitness level was pathetic - but the thought of fighting cancer got me to propel my feet to the next telephone pole. Cancer is getting me out of my dream world - and encouraging me to make those dreams a reality. I don't have cancer - but I still have only a limited number of days - and I want those days to count.

I don't have the skills or the genius to cure cancer. But I do have the ability to encourage others to make every day count - to seek out and live a life with purpose. This is our shot, our time in the sun. It doesn't matter where we start or what obstacles are placed in front of us. It only matters to find something we believe in - and pursue it with every fiber of our being. Like running - it's the journey, not the finish line - that matters.

Please visit my fundraising page: www.firstgiving.com/neversettle

Vacation Time!

My long Monday run was cut short this morning. I managed 3 miles in 45 minutes - had to walk the last half due to mysterious sharp pains under my left knee. It began to rain about halfway, too - a gentle, spirit cleansing sprinkle that was delightful! It's funny....I used to feel sorry for runners/walkers trodding through the rain. Today I was feeling distinctly sorry for the poor souls racing by in their cars!

We leave in the morning for vacation. I could say I'll be off on some exotic adventure - but I'm not sure exotic is the correct adjective. I'll be visiting the in-laws in the south-west mountains of Virginia - after spending 10 hours trapped in a car with three children. It will be hair-raising - how about that???

No computer access in the mountains - but plenty of time to do my hillwork! Hopefully my husband will have time to take pictures for the blog and website, too! I'll see you next week!

Don't forget my website: www.firstgiving.com/neversettle

Thanks!

Life is Good!

I had my first group run today! Even the weather cooperated, and stayed in the 80's. I actually only went 2 miles, because I ended up with the group planning on doing a half-marathon. But the other group consisted of the trainer, two 18 year old male athletes, and a marine. A little out of my league! I'll do my 4 mile loop on Monday morning - hopefully a little faster than last week!

It's wild....I feel really good about myself and what I'm doing! And my body already seems stronger, more powerful.

Life is good.

Oh, yeah...check out my webpage at www.firstgiving.com/neversettle

Thanks!

"You have the right to remain silent...."

I confess...I did not run, walk or work out today...but had an adrenaline rush and speeding heartrate just the same.

A friend and I took our SIX children shopping, and then returned to our small, quiet town. Seriously, Halloween in this town (Denton, MD) is like a Norman Rockwell painting - tons of kids going to big old houses where folks are sitting with music, candy and good cheer. It's too, too cute.

Anyway...the kids were inside and we were unloading the tightly packed minivan when the road erupted with police cars, both local and state. They were pulling over an old car with 3 folks inside, and as we watched, ANOTHER group of cops - these guys wearing ski masks and flak vests labeled "Drug Task Force" ran to the scene - literally feet in front of us! (I must admit, I was hiding behind the corner of the house, ready to dive into the trashcans at the first evidence of a scuffle!) We eventually moved inside and watched the drama from the front window. The police sat a large bag of clear vials that they had removed from the girl (who was wearing really tight clothes and hiding the drugs where????) on top of my friend's car. The girl was carted away, another young man eventually uncuffed and set free.

I must say...I'm glad I live 3 miles OUT of town! Most of our excitement involves me chasing one of our dogs down the road - and the dog laughing. I lived in NYC for six years - and never got to witness a drug bust up close and personal (a sale, perhaps). I'm telling you...if you want real excitement...head for the country!

On another point...I may not have worked out today...but I worked on the CONCEPT of working out! (think that counts?) I called the YMCA with some questions about their family membership and their committment to their logo..."Building strong kids, strong families and strong communities". Yeah, as long as you don't homeschool. Currently they only offer childcare through age 5, children are not permitted to be unaccompanied in the facility, and children under 13 are not permitted in the classes or the fitness room. So....it won't work for me. {{{Sigh}}}

Oh well, have to find a way to work out WITH chidren in tow!

Out of the Frying Pan...

I walked outside at 5:45 am this morning.....and my glasses fogged up!!! This is crazy! It felt like someone was throwing a damp heavy towel over my face! I went for a short bike ride (cross-training, anyone?), grateful for the artificial breeze. There's no way I could have run in this weather - my heart just isn't up to that abuse, yet! I used to fantasize about moving to Alaska - maybe I should re-consider my geography???

I have my first official training run this Saturday, in Salisbury. I must admit...I'm nervous. It's only 3 miles (did I just say ONLY???? WOW....I must be improving!) but it starts at 8 am - and it's certainly hot by then. I hope I don't embarrass myself too badly!

I really need another way to run and cross-train. I can't use the treadmill in this heat (no a/c) and it's too hot to take the kids biking (which is too slow, anyway). I'll figure it out. We may join the YMCA in September - which doesn't help me now. I know, I'll get an aerobic dvd! That will help my cardio - and can be done in air conditioning! Gentle people, we have a plan!

I'm surrounded by children wearing bathing suits and slathering on sunscreen - think they're trying to tell me something???

Monday Morning Madness

I went 4.1 miles this morning! Wahoo!!! [Please note: I did NOT say I RAN 4.1 miles. I walked, jogged some, walked, jogged, ran a wee bit, walked a LOT more! But I got there!]

I had just cleared the neighborhood at 5:45am - was in the middle of two corn fields - when I heard a truck approaching behind me and slowing down! The work truck actually stopped NEXT to me! I took a deep breath and turned with my best "tough" look - only to find a guy I've known for over 30 years! We both lived in Baltimore, and our families were close. I later "adopted" the family, and this guy became my youngest brother. We both live on the Eastern Shore now - but rarely see each other. And here he recognized me from behind before dawn! I told him to bring coffee next time! As I walked on, I also got to enjoy birds, deer and frogs! (but didn't know any of them!)

Had a good weekend, too! Taught a training all day Saturday, and didn't have anyone quit on me! (I coordinate Mid-Shore Project Read; a volunteer adult literacy program) When I got home Saturday, an old roommate had called to say she would be in the area that evening, and wanted to go to dinner. We had a great time! I hadn't seen her in about 8 years.

Yesterday we finally had the bike trip with T and her gang - at Patapsco Valley State Park. It was quite hot - and the kids (all 5 of em) petered out quickly in favor of playing in the stream/river. On the way home we discovered Arundal Mills Mall - what a find! I didn't know there were any "Books a Million" stores out here! Found a great book, "Galloway's Book of Running" - he gives a lot of information! We also found another Costco store there - always a find! We were all beat when we finally arrived home!

Ahhhhh. A good weekend.

Pain, Sweat and Hot Flashes!

I still have no idea how I'm going to get my body over 26 miles without public transportation being involved. That's bad, right? I did 2.75 miles on the treadmill this morning - with a new speed record average of 4.2 miler per hour. My personal best - but surely considered a "drunken pub crawl pace" by real runners.

It's funny - I always believed I didn't sweat. Let me tell you - doing this "Grandma crawl" for less than three miles - my clothes were soaked, my hair was soaked, and my face was a rather frightening dark red. I kept leaning over to try to use the heart monitor (a very awkward position - cause I'm over 5'10") and never did get a believable pulse! The number, when it bothered to show up, was either 68 (whoa! Call the Olympics!) or 196 (whoa! Call 911!) What a waste!

So...I'll have to figure out how to monitor my pulse the old-fashioned way...........Nope. I suck at this, too! I end up holding my breath, which makes my heartbeat irregular, then I lose count! yeesh. Oh well....I'm pretty attune to my heart - and it didn't feel like I was ready to have a heart attack! Think that's good enough?

On a positive note....my ankle has been hurting me all week, so I didn't run. Wanted to give it time to heal. Started today, and the ankle really began to bother me. It almost seemed bruised, though I don't see anything. The running shoe made it feel even worse. I decided to ignore it and continue. Surprise! By the time I was done jogging, the ankle felt fine! How strange! I believed that by NOT "working through the pain" I was protecting myself. Now, it seems that pushing my body to go farther actually helps me work through the problem. Who knew?

It's Official!

Wow, a LOT's been going on!

Let's see....I officially signed up with The Strides for Hope Marathon - Jamaica, here I come! Of course, between getting ready to go 26 miles, going 26 miles, and recovering from going 26 miles - I'm not sure I'll be seeing much of Jamaica!

I also got the fundraising webpage organized today! It will still be tweaked some, I'm sure - but the basic stuff is there. Check it out at www.firstgiving.org/neversettle

I haven't had a good run since Saturday - although I did have a fun new experience...trail running! We took the kids to Tuckahoe Park, and hiked/ran through the Lake Trail to the Cherry Road Playground. We all had a great time! I really prefer trail running to road running. Softer ground, SHADE, and much more interesting! If I can get my speed up, I could run and the kids could take bikes. Wait, Gabe's bike is a tagalong behind mine or John's. Maybe I need one of those rickshaw's they use in Asia? Yeah, I'd be hauling three kids behind me in a New York minute.

At any rate, I actually opened up and ran for all I was worth for a short distance - it was fantastic! I wasn't even particularly out of breath! Of course, I did have to cut short my run the next day, cause my head hurt and my knees ached. Sooooo...maybe it wasn't a particularly good idea. Especially because I was wearing my old sneakers, not my new running shoes. (Too $$$$ to get them muddied up!)

I also got my blog set up, and transferred my old files to it.

Mind you...NONE of these things were on my official to-do list today. But...they suddenly seemed....important.

The Leader of the Pack

July 22, 2006

I had my alarm set for 5am today. I was going to jog/walk 3 miles OUTSIDE, then my husband was going for a 12 mile bike ride. Unfortunately, the thunder, lightening and rain woke me before the alarm. According the weather report, it’s going to storm off and on all day –which means we also can’t take the family bike ride we had planned for later, meeting up with T and her gang.

The weather cleared before 8am – so I dressed in running shorts, sport top, and hand held water bottle. No MP3, no hat, no stuff. I hit the road, alternating between a fast walk and a slow jog, and went 1.5 miles out and back. I did 3 miles in 45 minutes – outside! And….I felt great when it was over. Hot, but not particularly tired! Wow!

And, for the thrill seekers among you….. I had my first encounter with large, less than friendly dogs. They were quite a distance away but began barking and running towards me. One of these dogs had attacked my rat terrier when we were walking last summer – actually had my poor 10lb wuppie in it’s teeth off of the ground before the dog’s owner called it away. The guy never said anything to me, or asked about my dog. Sooo….I knew I was on my own with these two. Actually, the guy was calling them, sort of. They just ignored him, too busy crossing the field to get to me! I stopped and faced them as they got closer, then when they were three feet away I yelled “STOP!......NO….GO HOME….NOW!!!!” All issued in my best Rambo voice. They had stopped cold and ceased barking when I barked the first command – they locked eyes with me – I gave them my most ferocious hairy eyeball – and they turned and trotted meekly home!!!! WAHOO!!!!! Make no mistake who’s the pack leader around here! I was actually more mad than scared – and was quite prepared to fight the mongrels.

I felt very strong and independent as I resumed my jog. Unstoppable.

Very cool.

This is starting to feel GOOD!

July 20, 2006

I went 3 miles in 45 minutes today! Hooray! And….I feel GREAT! Bring it on! I can do ANYTHING!!!

I’m going to the library today, to get some books on running. (I’m a book nut from waaaay back!)

I still have to start running outside – apparently the treadmill does not prepare you completely. I’ll have the group run on Saturdays (an hour drive away), I think I’ll negotiate with my husband to go running early 1 -2 mornings a week. He’s training for a bike marathon, so he rides before work. He also works late – and I have 3 young children 24/7. Year round, since we homeschool. They are ages 4, 7 and 8. Old enough not to need me every minute, but not nearly old enough to leave unattended. I want to see if the local high school has a track. I could practice, and they could play. It would be a boring run – AND difficult to get the kids fed and out of the house early enough to miss the heat – but the idea has possibilities.

Ooops, time’s a wasting. Have to get to work.

Back on track!

July 19, 2006

Hooray – actually got to work out today! I decided to push for endurance instead of speed – and went 3 miles in 51 minutes! Even more importantly – I felt great! Averaged just over 3.5 miles per hour – but felt like I could have gone forever!

Even better news, my friend T –who has the stage IV breast cancer – is strongly considering doing this marathon with me! And yeah, it’s rather ironic that someone with invasive cancer is in as good of shape, if not better, than I am! Still, doing a brisk walk with occasional jogging with her would be a wonderful experience – a memory to cherish.

Hot. Very hot......I hate hot.

July 18, 2006

I spoke with the coordinator of the Strides for Hope Marathon, Delmarva chapter yesterday. He was great! Apparently most of the participants walk the ½ marathon (13 miles). I’ve never traveled 13 miles on foot in my life –so even that’s pretty amazing! I’m still working on my endurance and speed, though. I really want to do 26 miles. Wonder if I should hold out for that scooter???

Couldn’t run today. The treadmill, in addition to the air conditioner’s battling 100 degree temperatures, kept blowing the fuse. I did almost a mile – and the heat was nasty (no AC in that room!). My shoes feel good though! I just need to lace them less tightly – had to stop and redo them twice (in under a mile – oiy!)

Back to baby steps

July 17, 2006

I’m feeling better. I spoke with several folks, who all agreed I had tried to do too much, too soon, in too much nasty heat! I’m taking today off, and will go at it again tomorrow, with less speed.

At this rate I'll be a grandma before I can move this body 26 miles. And my oldest is only 8!

They shoot horses, don't they?

July 16, 2006

Bought my running shoes at Vernon Powell in Salisbury. More money than I’ve ever spent on shoes – and as my son said, “They’re UGLY!”. And…..because you have to size up so much, I take a size 11! Yipes!

Went running outside, in my new shoes, and using the water hip pack for the first time. I looked like a runner!

Failed. Utterly.

First, it was too hot. Didn’t start til 10am, cause my husband was on a bike ride earlier. And, to be fair, I was busy finding the kitchen and drinking coffee. I hate hot. I hate sun. I had the hat, the shades, the sunblock, the water bag and the MP3 player.

It sucked.

Not only was I too hot to breathe, let alone run – but the fanny water pack SUCKED! The tube kept rubbing my arm, or the hose kept coming loose, the MP3 player kept falling, the bag was heavy and awkward and kept bouncing on my back. I was miserable. The only things that didn’t hurt were my feet. Came home quickly (15 minutes, max) and bit everyone in my path. Took my body to the treadmill – only to have the muscles over my knees hurt so much I had to stop. They really ache. The only thing I’ve changed (beside the shoes) was move up to a faster pace. Maybe it’s just adjustment issues? My hips certainly hurt the first few days of jogging. Now it’s muscles. Could be worse, I guess – could be joints.

I just feel like…..a loser. I’m not sure I can do this. What the hell was I thinking???? I HATE running! I hate being out in the heat of the day! I’m royally pissed. At myself, and at the world at large.

What have I gotten myself into? I really want to reach this goal. But right now….I just want to cry.

Baby Steps...

July 15, 2006

I did 2 miles in 28 minutes today – my goal! Yeah! I’m buying real running shoes later today – yippee! I've been taking it easy in my old beat up sneakers - I'm terrified of screwing up my knees or ankles!

And for you real runners out there....I know, this is pathetic. Still, you have to start somewhere! Anthony Robbins calls it CANI...Constant and Never-Ending Improvement. I just hope I can improve enough by December 2 - of THIS YEAR!

All those in Favor of an air-conditioned Marathon...

July 4, 2006

Just did my first walk/jog out of doors. Sun…..hot! Think there’s any chance they’d move the marathon to a nice air conditioned mall? And let us use scooters???

I did almost two miles – I’m not exactly sure of the distance. I did 5 different sprints between telephone poles – now I need to find out how far apart those suckers are!

I must say…I now understand why my old goals of “getting into shape” or “losing weight” did not keep me motivated. I have to tell you – I’d just as soon NOT be in great shape if this is the price I have to pay. It’s just not enough motivation for me.

Cancer, however, is more motivating for me. I visualize that by pushing myself to run to the next telephone pole, I’m fighting cancer. It works. I keep moving.

The Granny Shuffle

July 3, 2006

Well, so far this morning I feel – and am walking – like Grandma Moses. Who knew one day of exercise would cause my hips to file an injunction against me??? I don’t think the fast walking did this – I do walk more or less regularly. I think the increased strain of jogging caused the knee and hip pain. Why do people choose to run? Do I really want to do this???

Gee, talking of quitting so soon! No pain, no gain…….right? After I take care of the kids and the house I’ll walk again, maybe that will loosen up my joints.

***********************

All right! I did 2 miles on the treadmill, mostly w/ a gentle incline, and even did some jogging for a minute and a half! I can do a brisk walk at 3.8 mph, and probably go for quite some time – but I’ll need to increase my speed to do the marathon. At least get my median speed to 5.2 mph – that will allow me to finish the marathon in 5 hours.

Now excuse me while I shuffle into the kitchen to fix dinner. Just call me grandma!

Digging Out and Getting On (the Treadmill, that is!)

July 2, 2006

We have a treadmill. We don’t use the treadmill, mind you. It is buried in our front room, blocked in by mountains of stuff, and totally unusable.

Until today.

I cleaned out the front room while listening to motivational tapes, and eventually was able to set up the treadmill. Yay! It still works! I walked a mile, sweating profusely and threatening to quit every quarter mile.

I also looked online for marathon training for novices. Very important, since the idea of running 26 miles makes my brain say, “Shoot me now!”. Apparently, I’m supposed to start off running 1.5 miles for a few days, then increase to 3 miles by the end of the week.

3 miles???? Are you insane???

Back to the treadmill, fueled with water and Anthony Robbins. After all, how hard could this be???

Well……..it’s not easy! I did 1.5 miles, alternating between a fast walk and a slow jog. My heart’s not in great shape, I’ve babied it for years, stopping when the rate became too rapid. As a teenager I had mitral valve prolapse, and my heart would skip and start palpitations when I moved too much. I eventually gave up anything that put my heart in that state. I’ve apparently outgrown the mitral valve problem, and just have a slight murmur and a tendency towards PVCs, which I control with fish oil and Q-10.

Still, I did 1.5 miles….and I feel great!

Who knew?

The Beginning of the Insanity...

July 1, 2006

I hate exercise. I have never been an athlete. I pride myself on “Never sweating”. A good friend of mine began running marathons several years ago – and while I was proud of her accomplishments – I thought she was nuts. “I don’t run,” I told everyone who would listen and laugh, “unless something very large and ugly is chasing me!”

Today I received a postcard in the mail from The Wellness Community on Delmarva, asking for people to join their “Strides for Hope Team for the Jamaica Marathon”. Instead of immediately tossing the card into the trash, the evil twin who lives inside my brain perked up with….”Hey….we could do that!!!”

Me: Excuse me? We’ve never ran further than the corner – even in high school – which was more than two decades ago! We hate anything that brings us pain – and the only time we willingly embraced physical labor and pain was for the unassisted childbirth of child #3!

Evil Twin: Exactly! And since we managed that (quite nicely, I add) we can run this marathon!

Me: Ummm…perhaps you’ve noticed we do NOT have a FOURTH child???? Maybe there’s a reason for that!

Evil Twin: Different subject. Listen to me……not only CAN we do this….we NEED to do this!

Me: Whaaaaatttt??????

Evil Twin: Do you remember what The Wellness Community does? Do you remember WHY we know of them, why we’ve used their services?

Unfortunately, I remember all too well why I’m a big supported of The Wellness Community. On December 30, 2005, my best friend was diagnosed with Stage IV Breast Cancer. She was 34 years old, and had two small children. I was with her when the doctor broke the news, and suddenly my brain could not grasp anything beyond the point that “T has advanced cancer. It’s in her lungs, her spine, and her leg. Everything is over.”

I was in shock. I spent weeks bursting into tears at the smallest thing. My children (we homeschool) fended for themselves, the house fell apart, we ate whatever we could scrounge out of the kitchen. I cried and researched cancer. And then I cried more. The odds sucked. Everytime I told someone about my friend, they had their own story to share. The stories always ended with…..”and she died.” I stopped telling people.

I knew I needed an outlet for my grief. It had gotten to the point that the only conversations my husband and I shared, after he worked 12 hours a day, were about T and Cancer. I knew it wasn’t fair – but I needed to get the feelings out.

One day I noticed in the newspaper that a Cancer Support group, for people who have family or friends affected by cancer, was meeting in Easton! I clipped out the number, but didn’t call. I have always solved my own issues, I’ve never been in a group therapy setup. I muddled on.

A week or so later I had a really bad Cancer day. The kind of day when Cancer is all you can think about – and all you can do is cry. I realized my children deserved better than this, so I called the number from the newspaper, and explained my situation. They welcomed me with open arms, and I joined the bi-monthly support group in Easton. It was amazing. The facilitator, Pam Black, was incredible. She was so good at recognizing when we were trying to take on too much, or not trying enough. She really confronted us about our emotions, our problems, and possible solutions. I soon became able to deal with having Cancer in my life, without letting it take over my entire life.

I’m thrilled to say that my friend’s Stage IV cancer is almost in complete remission. Most doctors predict that a year or so of remission is the best we can expect – but we’ve talked with others who have heard similar things, and are still around and living full, productive lives. My friend realized Cancer is her wake-up call; and has totally restructured her life and made some hard decisions. She’s happy. She now calls cancer her self-improvement program.

I’ve been working on my own self-improvement program. Many of my goals center on writing, motivating others, public speaking and travel. But under the community and charity goal I had written, “Raise $50,000 for The Wellness Community by 1/1/08”. Another goal was focusing on my health, including diet, hydration, and exercise.

And now I am looking at a postcard asking for people to raise money for The Wellness Community by participating in a marathon – and the marathon is in Jamaica! The books I’ve been reading continually tell me that when we decide what we want, the universe offers us the opportunity to reach those goals. We simply need to be in a receptive enough state to recognize the challenge and rise to meet it.

Well, this is certainly a challenge. Not only have I NEVER been athletic, but I find the whole idea distasteful. More importantly, my past is littered with dreams that I abandon when they become too difficult. I’m not known for my persistence and determination. I’m not known for stating a distant goal….and reaching it.

Still, I want to change my life. I want to dream impossible dreams, and I want to make them come true. I want a life worth living. I want to make a difference.

I have told the universe what I want to achieve in my life – and I received a postcard for the Strides for Hope Team.

It is up to me what I do with what the universe has sent me.